Feeling exhausted, mentally and physically at the moment. Newly single mummy, sorting out finances and working out how to pay for this all by myself, moving around my house, sorting out all the kids toys – what do they and don’t they play with, what’s got half the bits missing that kinda thing, trying to work out what I need to buy for Christmas so for once I am not dashing around on Christmas Eve like a crazy woman wondering how on earth I am going to find everything yet alone pay for it. Basically trying to overhaul my life and get it in some sort of order. – I’m thinking meal plans, budgets and all that jazz – hmmmm not sure I can do that, it all sounds far too organised, but lets see. All of that whilst mummying three little ones & a chihuahua and also fitting in work as well into the mix. Not taking on too much them!
This time next week however I shall be in India with my lovely friend Helen, on a prize trip that I won, more about that later though, so I am hoping for some time to get a little refreshed and relaxed and to stop the whirring that is constantly in my mind at the moment.
Credit to all the single parents out there, its blooming’ exhausting, I’m not going to lie and pretend otherwise. Its relentless from the minute I wake up. If I wake up first I am almost terrified to get up as that will start Salsa (@salsachihuhua) off yapping wanting to be let out for a wee. That wakes at least one small person up and that means I cannot sneak off for a bath / shower alone. Literally I am at ‘damn it’ stage from the second I wake up. Most nights I fall asleep at the moment on the sofa in front of the tv, and randomly wake up anytime between 1am and 3am and wander up to bed, secretly hoping that none of the children have wandered through yet and got in. Between that waking up and falling asleep bit there is all the usual mummy chaos too, ramming Grayson into his school uniform whilst he is glued to some random child doing toy reviews on You Tube and cannot possibly even turn his head for me to shove it into his sweatshirt, doing the school and nursery runs, wiping away the tears as neither wants to go in, feeling guilty that I do way less activities with Hallie as I am so bogged down with other stuff now, what is that about mummy guilt, its such a shitty feeling. It’s like an endless cycle this weekday mummying, and now I don’t even get a hand in the evenings or get that hug when all I want to do is cry with stress / exhaustion. All the after school activities to squeeze in and dash off too, snacks to grab, change to remember for the damn sweetie machine after gymnastics to avoid a meltdown, reading books, and now we have hit year one there is homework too to squeeze in. Thats without dealing with all the messages from my ex flying backwards and forwards with are just emotionally draining to say the least. It’s relentless. I absolutely adore my three, and love being a mummy, I guess I am just rather fragile and exhausted right now and I am not too proud to admit it. There is always something to worry about, or to forget, or to compare myself too. Why do we do this to ourselves as women? Why do we allow others to put us down, and then why on earth do we do continue it by doing it to ourselves?
I’m really hoping this week away will give me some headspace to gain some perspective and to be able to breathe again and find my happy. I just need some time off the roundabout, this cycle of life.